


Karkat Writes Fanfiction

by parodySphoria



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Almost porn, Gen, Its all in the title, Karkat Writes Fanfiction, M/M, further research needed, rated teen and up for karkat's vulgar language, read the AN at the start for the setup, seriously read both ANs they're part of the story kind of, turns out no he has the talent of an 18 year old human female with caps lock on, who'd have known, you'd think with all those books he'd be better at making a story flow
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-11
Updated: 2014-08-11
Packaged: 2018-02-12 15:57:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2115921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/parodySphoria/pseuds/parodySphoria
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Karkat asks Dave to proofread a story he's written and let him know what he thinks.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Karkat Writes Fanfiction

**Author's Note:**

> For Moose
> 
> \-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG] at 23:25 --  
> CG: CAN YOU DO ME A FAVOR?  
> CG: CAN YOU FIND YOUR HUMAN COMPASSION  
> CG: DEEP DOWN IN YOUR SOCK DRAWER NEXT TO YOUR DIRTY MAGAZINES  
> CG: UNDERNEATH YOUR SHAME AND GUILT AT BEING A GIANT ASSHOLE ALL THE TIME  
> TG: get to the point karkat  
> CG: AND PROOFREAD MY STORY FOR ME?  
> TG: oh  
> CG: IT HAS A COUPLE OF HUMAN TERMS I WANT TO MAKE SURE I GOT THEM RIGHT  
> TG: uh yeah sure  
> TG: send me it ill give it a quick once over for you  
> \-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has sent a file: "IN WHICH THE MAIN PROTAGONIST IS A MASSI..." --  
> TG: that fucking title im sold  
> CG: JUST READ IT.  
> TG: give me a sec then jesus

IN WHICH THE MAIN PROTAGONIST IS A MASSIVE DOUCHEBAG TO THE EXTENT THAT ONE OF HIS 'FRIENDS' CALLS HIM UP ON IT, THEY ARGUE AND CREATE ANGRY TENSION THE MAIN PROTAGONIST MISCRONSTRUES FOR BLACKROM FLIRTING, INTENSE AND AWKWARD SITUATIONS ARISE AND THE PROTAGONIST AND HIS 'FRIEND' WORK TO FIND COMMON GROUND AND ALLIEVIATE THE HORRIBLE SITUATION THEY HAVE PLACED THEMSELVES IN.

A ~~BOY~~ MAN FINDS HIMSELF AT A LOSS FOR THINGS TO DO ON THE METEOR HE IS, FOR NOW, TREATING AS HIS HOME. (HIS HOME WAS DESTROYED AND ALL HIS FRIENDS ARE FUCKING DEAD SO HE HAS TROUBLE FINDING ENOUGH THINGS TO OCCUPY HIS TIME NOWADAYS.) HE WANDERS THE ECHOING HALLWAYS IN SEARCH OF SOMETHING, ANYTHING TO DO. HIS SHOES SCUFF THE FLOOR, LEAVING WHITE MARKS OVER THE GREY SURFACE OF THE HALLWAY FLOOR. HE IS TROUBLED, HE HASN'T SEEN ANY OF THE METEOR'S OTHER OCCUPANTS IN QUITE SOME TIME, AND THAT IS VERY UNUSUAL, USUALLY THEY'RE FUCKING AROUND AND THROWING SHIT ALL OVER THE WALLS AT THIS TIME OF DAY, BUT THE LABS SEEM EERILY QUIET AS HE PASSES THEM, AS IF EVERYONE GOT UP AND MOVED OUT.

HE KNOWS BETTER THAN THAT, HOWEVER, AND HEADS TOWARDS THE AREA KNOWN AS ~~NUTRITION CYLINDER~~ "CAN TOWN" IN HOPES OF FINDING ANOTHER LIFE FORM TO SPEND TIME WITH. HE WOULD EVER SETTLE FOR THE MAYOR RIGHT NOW (NOT THAT THE MAYOR ISN'T AWESOME, OF COURSE HE IS ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED? HE'S JUST NOT THE MOST TALKATIVE), HE JUST NEEDS TO SPEND SOME TIME AWAY FROM HIS FUCKED UP THOUGHTS AND MEMOS HIS ASSHOLE FUTURE SELF HAS STARTED UP JUST TO ARGUE WITH HIM. HE'S EVEN BECOME SO BORED RECENTLY THAT HE HAS STARTED OPENING MEMOS TO ARGUE WITH HIS ***PAST SELF*** WHO IS SOMEHOW EVEN MORE OF AN ASSHOLE THAN THE FIRST GUY. WHAT AN IDIOT PAST ~~ME~~ HIM WAS. SERIOUSLY.

HE ENTERS CAN TOWN TO SEE ONLY THE MAYOR, SAT ALONE SURROUNDED BY THE NUTRITION CYLINDERS WEARING HIS GLORIOUSLY HEROIC (OR SOMETHING) MAYORAL SASH. I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND MAYO.

"HEY MAYOR, WHERE IS EVERYONE?" OUR FAILURE OF A LEADER ASKS THE MAYOR.

THE MAYOR DOESN'T SPEAK OUT LOUD, SO HE SHRUGS, BLINKS A FEW TIMES, MOVES ANOTHER CAN AND THEN POINTS TOWARDS THE COMMUNAL BLOCK. THIS LOOSELY TRANSLATES TO "I DON'T KNOW, KARKAT, MAYBE YOU SHOULD LOOK IN THE AREA THEY SPEND THE MOST TIME IN."

THE MAYOR ALWAYS FINDS A WAY TO MAKE KARKAT FEEL LIKE THE DUMB ONE. KARKAT CAN (CAN!!!) NEVER HOLD IT AGAINST HIM, THOUGH, THE MAYOR IS ONE OF THE MOST RELIABLE FRIENDS HE HAS. THE MAYOR'S FRIENDSHIP IS A UNIVERSAL CONSTANT AND KARKAT VALUES IT HIGHLY.

HE MAKES HIS WAY TO THE COMMUNAL BLOCK, BIDDING ADEIU TO THE MAYOR AND WISHING HIM WELL ON THE DEVELOPMENTS ON THE RESIDENTIAL AREAS OF CAN TOWN HE KNOWS TO BE SCHEDULED FOR TODAY.

THE COMMUNAL BLOCK, IT WOULD SEEM, HAS BEEN LEFT RECENTLY. THERE IS KNITTING DISCARDED HAPHAZARDLY ON ONE OF THE CHAIRS AND A STUPID LOOKING MIXING DECK ON THE COFFEE TABLE. HE MUST HAVE JUST MISSED THEM.

"GOD FUCKING DAMN IT." HE EXCLAIMS TO THIN AIR BECAUSE THERE IS NOBODY FUCKING HERE I LITERALLY JUST TYPED THAT YOU DUMBASS.

"hey karkat what are you exclaiming about this time did you trip over some kind of pointless human female article of clothing on your way to hunt me down its okay i can help you out of that article of clothing if you need me to" THE HUMAN STRIDER MAKES A BRAZEN SOLICITATION TO KARKAT TO WIND HIM UP, SITTING UP FROM WHERE HE WAS LAYING POINTLESSLY UNDER THE COFFEE TABLE WHERE KARKAT COULDN'T SEE HIM.

(OBVIOUSLY HE GETS OUT FROM UNDER THE TABLE BEFORE SITTING UP, AS FUNNY AS IT WOULD BE TO SEE THAT ASSHOLE SMACK HIS HEAD ON THE UNDERSIDE OF A HEAVY OAK COFFEE TABLE IT WOULDN'T FIT WELL IN THE STORY.)

"DAVE WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP." KARKAT SAYS SMARTLY, BEFORE COMING UP WITH THE PERFECT WITTY REMARK TO STRIDER'S SOLICITATION AND GAINING AT LEAST THREE LEVELS ON THE COOLKID LADDER. IT'S A THING THAT MATTERS AND EXISTS.

THEY GET INTO A FIGHT, AS IS CUSTOM WHEN THEY ARGUE. THEY PUSH AND PULL AT EACHOTHER'S ARMS BEFORE DAVE PULLS KARKAT TO THE FLOOR, ENTWINING (GOOD WORD!) THEIR LEGS AND TRYING TO HIT HIM HARDER. KARKAT IS NOTABLY CONFUSED BY THIS DISPLAY OF BLACKROM INTENTION AND IS UNSURE HOW TO REACT, BUT HAS NO CHOICE BUT TO FIGHT BACK BEFORE STRIDER ACTUALLY LANDS A PUNCH. IT IS A HEATED BATTLE, ONE NOT UNLIKE THEIR STRIFE MATCHES ON THE LAB ROOF BUT SO MUCH MORE PERSONAL, SO MUCH MORE INTENSE.

DAVE'S SHIRT IS PULLED BACK FROM HIS NECK TOWARDS HIS SHOULDER BY THE STRUGGLING AND KARKAT BITES ON THE SKIN THERE, ALMOST ON INSTINCT, BETWEEN HIS NECK AND SHOULDER, AND THE NOISE DAVE MAKES - SOMEWHERE BETWEEN A GASP AND A GROAN - SENDS HIS BRAIN INTO OVERDRIVE. THIS IS GETTING TOO CLOSE, HE MIGHT THINK...

HUMAN'S DON'T DO QUADRANTS, KARKAT REMINDS HIMSELF, PINNED UNDER DAVE'S BODY IN THE SPACE BETWEEN THE COUCH AND THE COFFEE TABLE. HE PULLS BACK FROM THE BITE, HIS MOUTH HOVERING ABOVE THE BROKEN SKIN. HE BROKE THE HUMAN'S SKIN. RED BLOOD, AS RED AS HIS OWN, SEEPS OUT SLOWLY FROM THE SHALLOW WOUND, DARKENING THE DEEP RED OF THE FRONT OF DAVE'S CAPE.

BOTH OF THE MALES, TROLL PINNED UNDER HUMAN, STOP. THEY ALMOST STOP BREATHING ALTOGETHER. THIS IS FUCKING STUPID, THEY KNOW IT IS, THEY BOTH KNOW THAT THE THINGS THEY ARE THINKING ABOUT EACHOTHER ARE ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS. AND YET...

KARKAT PRESSES HIS MOUTH AGAINST THE WOUND AGAIN, GRAZING HIS TEETH ALONG THE MARKS HE HAD LEFT, AND DAVE ***SHUDDERS***, TIGHTENING HIS GRIP ON KARKAT'S ARMS UNTIL IT'S ALMOST PAINFUL, HE HAS A TIGHTER GRIP THAN KARKAT HAD ANTICIPATED. MORE MUSCLE THAN THE AVERAGE HUMAN, HE SUSPECTED. HE BITES DOWN AGAIN, SLOWER THIS TIME, PRICKING HIS CLAWS INTO DAVE'S UPPER ARMS AND DAVE LURCHES FORWARDS, CURLING INTO THE TROLL BENEATH HIM AND PULLING HIS NECK OUT OF REACH.

THEY'RE BOTH PRETTY BLOODIED UP AT THIS POINT, WHICH THE TROLL KNOWS TO BE CUSTOMARY FOR ANY BLACKROM ADVANCES. HE'S NOT SURE THE HUMAN UNDERSTANDS, THOUGH. HUMANS ARE PRETTY FUCKING IGNORANT WHEN IT COMES TO THE FINE ART OF ROMANTIC COURTSHIP. HE TRIES TO ASK THE HUMAN WHAT'S HAPPENING BUT IS STOPPED HALFWAY:

"STRIDER WHAT-"

"no shut up." DAVE WHISPERS, RUDELY INTERRUPTING INSTEAD OF ACTUALLY LISTENING. KARKAT HAS NO TIME TO BE MAD, THOUGH, BECAUSE THE HUMAN'S CLOSED THE GAP AND IS KISSING HIM, FULLY AND PROPERLY, NOTHING LIKE THE LITTLE WIND-UP PECKS HE PRESSES ON THE TROLL'S CHEEK WHEN HE'S TRYING TO CONCENTRATE ON BEING ANGRY AT THE HUMAN. IT'S NOTHING LIKE THAT. THIS IS DEEP AND DELIBERATE AND THE HUMAN CAN PROBABLY TASTE HIS OWN FUCKING BLOOD IN THE TROLL'S MOUTH BUT THAT DOESN'T PUT HIM OFF.

BUT THEN I CAN'T FUCKING FINISH THIS BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT HUMAN REPRODUCTIVE ORGANS LOOK OR FEEL LIKE. IF YOU'D LIKE TO COME FIND ME AND LET ME RUN A FIELD STUDY ON THIS INFORMATION - A "HANDS-ON" EXPERIENCE, IF YOU WILL - THAT WOULD BE GREAT BECAUSE I'D LIKE TO FINISH MY STORY BEFORE WE REACH THE NEW SESSION.  
IF NOT WHATEVER LET'S JUST NEVER FUCKING TALK ABOUT THIS AGAIN, OKAY?

**Author's Note:**

> TG: well  
> CG: WELL?  
> TG: give me five minutes to get some pants on  
> CG: YOU WONT NEED THEM.  
> \-- turntechGodhead [TG] has ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 00:12. --  
> CG: KNEW IT.  
> \-- carcinoGeneticist [CG] has signed out. --


End file.
